Wow! Did I have an amazing learning experience last Sunday.
Like HUGE, enormous, massive learning experience.
It was one of ‘those days’. You know ‘those’ days …. ? 🙂
Before I go any further, I want to say that I am struggling to put this blog up. Probably because it’s a bit personal I guess. And I’m ok putting stuff up about me. I want you to know what goes on inside my head, and inside my heart, so maybe you can relate and go “wow – she does that – I do that!” But then again, maybe it’s just me 🙂
So I’m posting it because I want this to be honest – I put up my good days, so I need to put up my bad days too. I’m human! I have these days! And these days are where the massive learning’s are. So here we go:
Basically, I had spent all week pumping myself up to do a much better Grand Prix test! I was sick of not getting my ones, not getting the piaffe/passage scores I know we are capable of, and I just really wanted to ace the test like we do at home. I did everything – I knew what to do. I visualised, I spoke positively, I was focused and thinking clear.
It didn’t come off. I don’t know if you have experienced when you have REALLY wanted something, really worked for something, really decided you were going to have something … and then ….
Well that was me!!!! 🙂
The test was disaster! I over rode like an idiot, and wasn’t quick enough with my feeling and interpretation of what he needed to be there for him. I didn’t get my twos, or ones, even though I go them perfectly in the warm up, and I was just well and truly devastated!
So what do you? What do you do when you are crushed, you have failed on what you wanted to achieve and you feel humiliated and stupid?
Well, I do this great thing called – I hate myself!!
I sit there, and I go through all my ‘failings’ – all the times I have failed spectacularly, all the times I couldn’t do something, how I hate that I’m not good enough, I’m not the person I want to be, I’m not the rider I want to be, and I’m just shit.
On and on and on and …on and on and on it will go if I let it!
Believe me, I knew what I ‘should’ be thinking, what I ‘should’ be saying to myself, and what I ‘should’ be doing. But %^&* that! I failed I’m depressed and I want to wallow in my hate of self and shitness for a while.
But then it’s time. You know it’s time to get out of it. In my case Phil lured me out with chocolate and dinner. But once I had wallowed there was no other choice for me but to get back on the horse so to speak.
The fact was – I rode well on Sunday – all my amazing good riding and work on Jorrit was pretty %^&ing spectacular – he came 1st and 2nd and aced his second test! But all of that was deleted. At the end of the Grand Prix test I did the best pirouettes into piaffe passage down the centre line I had done and ridden!
So really, I was focusing on my failure to achieve my goal. My failure to achieve MY chosen outcome. Do you get that? So many people would say – wow, you had a successful day, but to MY rules, MY standards and my outcomes, I had failed as I hadn’t managed my flying changes.
Now my changes are interesting. I get them at home. I get them in the warm-up. I get them everywhere. But in the test, Abe acts like he has no idea what I am asking, and what he is doing. Now why is that? Is it him? Or is it me? With my beliefs on riding and NLP, I must believe it is me. So if it is me, I have to fix it. And that is why I was so down on myself. Because I had failed to improve me, I had failed to step up and do better for me.
So I had two hours where I did the “I hate me” thing. I wallowed, I did puddle on the floor, rescue poor me, I did I’m pathetic, shit and stupid. I did it all! … quite an Oscar winning performance if you ask me! And at the end of it… I laughed. Once I had the emotion out of me. I could see the event more clearly. You know when you can review the situation without emotion. Wow does it look different! I saw the learning’s, I saw the opportunities where I can try different techniques this time, I saw the mistakes I made which will make me a better feeling rider as I won’t make them again, and by the end I was feeling calm, happy, and just so so thankful and blessed for my beautiful amazing horses, that teach me so much, and so grateful and in love with myself for all my mistakes and stuff ups. I’m getting better and better and on the never ending road, on the journey to the amazing super rider I want to be.
I would love to hear your stories about your experiences and learnings!!!!
To Your Success,
P.S. I trust you enjoyed reading about my thoughts and experiences. If you are a member of the Your Riding Success Club or higher – Click here to read more about how you can make the effortless transformation from “it’s all bad” to “it’s all good!”
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